“So you weren’t in the mood for anything?” Stevey asked.
He’d suddenly appeared at the end of the aisle and now stood like the Colossus of Rhodes there, slowing me down just before I reached the checkout line to talk to Jenn. I considered bear-walking between his legs, but thought better of it. There would be another occasion at some point tonight when I’d be alone with her.
“Jenn grabbed something,” I said. “Hey, do me a favor real quick?”
“Sure.”
“Look out there to see if the Girl Scouts are still around.”
“O…kay.” He eyed me like I had grown a second head before checking the front of the store. “Yeah, they’re still here.”
“Thanks, dude. See you later.”
Even though he was bewildered, I didn’t waste any time explaining. I moved around him and turned toward the checkout line and saw Jenn and Ralph standing close together, talking about something. Jenn caught me out of the corner of her eye and stopped what she was saying mid-sentence. Oh, so they’d been talking about me?
No doubt she was asking Ralph what he thought of her chances with me. I put on the shy grin and strolled over to them. They were in the middle of the line, so I caught some nasty stares from the people behind them.
“You’re paying tonight, right?” Jenn asked. Her face was a deep crimson. She was nervous, embarrassed. It could only mean one thing.
It was Ralph’s turn to pay, but I wasn’t going to call him out on it. “Yeah.” I beamed a smile at her and took the DVD out of her hands. She turned and went outside.
Ralph and I exchanged an awkward look. His eyes played hopscotch for a moment before he said, “I’m going to catch a smoke.”
I slapped his back. “Funny you two are suddenly not concerned about the Girl Scouts now.”
Ralph looked away and down, then he left the line in a hurry and headed out to the parking lot.
When I turned to the register, I realized Rob, my arch-nemesis, had been waiting for me.
“Hello, sir,” he said through clenched teeth. Rob appeared to be younger than me, but I based that solely upon his level of employment. As he was always wearing a polo shirt with the company name and logo on it, it was hard to tell how old he was. “Robby.” He grunted. His shirt didn’t smell so much as it wreaked.
“Back so soon?”
“Umm, yeah.” I didn’t know if that was supposed to be his attempt at mockery.
I handed him the movie and my membership card.
He opened the DVD box to check the movie and looked at his computer screen. He smirked as if just remembering some knock-knock joke from fourth grade. Or, in his case, it could have been one from yesterday. When he caught me looking at him, the smirk evaporated and he tried to be serious.
“Buy any cookies?” he asked.
“How much for the movie?”
He raised an eyebrow as if offended. “Why so rude, sir?”
I felt like throttling this guy. I didn’t even want to watch the fucking movie. I just wanted a chance to be alone with Jenn, only for a minute or two. That was all I needed.
“Dude, you’re twenty (I guessed his age) and you’re still wearing a digital watch with a velcro strap.” The girl in line behind me snickered. I caught a glimpse of her and wished she hadn’t been jail bait.
That wiped the dumb expression off his face, as much as the dumb expression could be wiped off his face.
He said, “Two fifty-six,” and that didn’t sound right for a New Release. It should have been more. But I had made it one of my life’s missions to get this guy fired. His careless attitude and sloppy demeanor were giving the noble calling of movie store clerk a bad name. He put the movie down on the counter on the other side of the metal detector.
As I handed him the three singles, all the money to my name, I checked out front of the store. No Girl Scouts! Time to skee-daddle.
I waited impatiently while he figured out the best combination of change to equal forty-four cents. A team of monkeys would have figured it out better. I would have gladly traded the extra three seconds for all the crap-flinging that came with it.
I kept surveillancing the lot. It was conspicuously empty. The table with three-and-three-quarters legs was gone. Ralph and Jenn were at the car.
“Here you go, sir.” Rob handed me my change and was doing his best not to smirk. What the hell was he smiling at? I decided to ignore him—Rob was one of those guys that had a lot of inside jokes…with himself.
I took the change and rushed through the electronic detectors and hurried to the front door. Throwing it open, I stepped into the parking lot. I saw my car, less than twenty yards away. Just had to get there and all would be fine. But as I stepped onto the pavement, I felt like Ryan Phillippe at the end of The Way of the Gun, after he’s grabbed the bag full of money. I just knew something bad was going to happen. By the way, that’s a fucking awesome movie, if you can get past the ridiculous first fifteen minutes of it.
Something tickled the back of my mind. I hadn’t done something…my hands were empty…then I realized what it was: in my haste, I’d forgotten the movie. I considered leaving it because Jenn and destiny and hopefully sex awaited. But I couldn’t leave a fallen man behind, even if the Viet Scouts were still in the vicinity.
“Mister, Mister.” Again, I heard them, but it could have been telepathy.
As I turned back to the store, a kaleidoscope of images sparkled and glittered in my head. The girls, Jenn, Rob, Stevey, everything. Then reality sucked me back into its vortex.
A van, owned undoubtedly by the thermally-challenged mother, had pulled up near me, the driver’s window rolled down. Two faces peered out—Mother and Daughter. I looked at the store and saw Rob coming out of it, holding the movie I’d forgotten. So here was his big chance for little revenge: making me look a fool for forgetting to take my movie. It might not seem like a lot to you, but when you’re trading proverbial body blows with a video store clerk, the insignificant becomes epic.
“Mister!” the little girl was waving from the car. I was going to have to say no to them. This was it. I stood there, petrified. How do you say no to the Girl Scouts? How do you shatter their dreams?
I opened my mouth to speak, but there weren’t any words.
Then Rob stepped in front of the stopped van and stood there pretty dumbly in the headlights. Slowly, very slowly, he extended his arm, holding out the DVD box. I saw then the evil smile carved on his face, revealing all that is wicked in man.
“Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies, Mister?” the little girl sang to me.
“I…I…” My eyes jumped from the girl and the mom to Rob.
“Mister—“ Rob began, doing his best not to laugh, “—you forgot your movie: Cum Hard 2: Cum Harder.”
The little girl, whether she knew it or not, was scarred for life. Mom’s face contorted first with rage at Rob, then with disgust at me. She didn’t need to tell me what she was thinking. She thought me a vile, perverted creep because I had rented a porno. But I hadn’t! Hadn't she seen the sign in the front of the store? Oh no, she'd already found me guilty.
And how did you spawn that little hell-beast in the passenger seat? I wanted to ask. Immaculate conception?
All hot and bothered, Mom rolled up her window, hit the horn so Rob would move, and then floored it, barely stopping before she entered the main drag.
Through the closed windows, I could hear the three of them sing-songing: “Goodbye, Mister.”
Then it hit me. I was a stupid, stupid man. What had been really going on the whole time between me, Ralph, and Jenn. I’d needed this traumatic experience to startle me out of my deluded version of reality.
“Here you are, sir,” Rob said, now unable to contain his mirth.
As condescendingly as possible, I placed my hand on his shoulder. “Joke’s on you, Robby Boy. You just got me out of having to buy Girl Scout cookies.”
A look of confusion crossed his face and stayed there.
“And you just lost a customer.” I nodded in the direction the van had gone.
Rob didn’t understand the ramifications of what he’d done, but at some level, he’d realized he’d made a mistake. He jammed the DVD into my stomach, then stormed inside.
Looking back to the car, I saw Jenn and Ralph next to each other, very close. Ralph’s hand was on her waist. Ralph gave me the eye, and he didn’t take his hand away. I made my way over.
“You guys could have told me, ya know,” I said. I was actually happy for them. Two of my good friends, after all.
“We just wanted to make sure you were cool with it,” Ralph said. “We both know your Senior Year didn’t end the way you wanted it to.”
Thoughtful of them. Senior Year had left me heartbroken and without an acceptance into a graduate program.
I kept the smile on my face because I didn’t want to darken their night too. “I’m happy for you both.” Then I slapped Ralph on the back, and Jenn gave me a half-hug, and everybody had a good laugh, and it was all very smarmy, in a Walker, Texas Ranger kind of way.
We each of us climbed back into the car. This time, Jenn got into the passenger seat, while Ralph lounged in the back.
“So what was all that about?” Jenn asked, referring to my NBE (near-buying experience) in front of the store.
I was about to explain it all but thought better of it. “Oh…that. I forgot the movie, so Rob came out just as the Girl Scouts were driving away. They asked me again if I wanted any cookies. I told them no.”
“Big step for you,” Jenn said.
“We all gotta grow up at some point I guess.”
“So where are we watching the flick?” Ralph asked.
“You know, I’m not really up for it tonight. Why don’t you two watch it.”
“Dude—“
“You don’t have to—“
I held up a hand and started backing us out of the spot. “No really. You two should hang and watch it. It’s cool.”
“What are you going to do?” Ralph asked.
“I don’t know. But seriously you guys should watch it. Really. I hear it’s great.”
************
A couple hours later, I was on my sixth beer when Ralph called.
“Hello?”
“Asshole,” he said.
“You’re welcome.”
“Actually, I should thank you. After the initial shock…some good things happened.” He sounded giddy, like he was back in high school and had gotten laid for the first time.
“Good for you, bud.”
Things never work out the way you think they’re going to. And sometimes that’s cool.
“What are you in the mood for?” Jenn asked.
“Don’t know if I’m in the mood for renting tonight.”
“Well, you get to keep it for two weeks now. Maybe you’ll change your mind.” Two weeks, heh? That was exactly how long we had dated, for lack of a better term.
She kept looking at me with those green eyes, as if waiting for me to talk about something other than movies. I thought back to when we’d dated. I’d called her up one night, one thing led to another, and we were kind of a couple. The kind that should have stayed friends. Don’t get me wrong, the first week was great. The next week she played Eleanor of Aquitaine to my Henry II. Instead of me throwing her in the dungeon, and instead of her trying to have me assassinated, we called it quits. It was a mostly bloodless revolution.
A few days later we hooked up, woke up next to each other, and decided we really needed to be friends.
She moved in front of me and reached for a New Release. My eyes traced a line from her outstretched hand, up her bronzed arm, to her shoulder, then up her neck, stopping on her profile. We were no more than a VHS away from each other. If we were any closer, we’d be a BetaMax away.
“Let’s get this,” she said, not taking her eyes off the back of the box.
“Haven’t you seen that before?” I didn't even check to see what it was. Jenn had a habit of renting the same movies over and over again, to the point where economically speaking she would have been better off just buying them. Talk about fear of commitment.
Finally I made out the cover: You’ve Got Mail. Or, as I liked to call it, Sleepless in New York. I couldn’t figure out why it was in the New Releases, then saw that it was next to the latest Meg Ryan romantic comedy.
She didn’t answer me. So I said, “We might as well get Sleepless in Seattle. It’s the same movie, only better.”
“That’s a good idea. I love that movie.” I could see her blond-flecked eyelashes. I suddenly remembered why I had called her in the middle of the night several months ago.
“But if you’ve seen it, why would we get it?” I asked. She stopped “reading” the back of the box and to look at me.
“I don't know. Sometimes things are better the second time around.”
I didn’t know what to say to that because she'd started my mind racing.
“So how’s Tim?” I asked her, buying myself some time. I realized as I was saying it that it was probably a mistake.
She cocked her head to the side and gave me an odd look. “…Good. He asked me to come over later. Party at Sig Ep.”
“Oh.”
I tried to look out of the front of the store to see if the Girl Sharks were still circling, having smelled money in the air.
“So you’re going?” I asked her.
She stuck out her lower lip and shrugged. “Ralph might go.”
“Not like him to go to a frat party. Guess he’s just trying to get over ‘Shell. Probably go and hook up with some tramp.” Jenn shot me a look like I'd just called her dead grandmother a whore. “Hey, I’m not judging. Good for him.” He needed a get-over girl, kind of like Jenn had been for me. My face started burning, because I realized she was probably thinking the same thing—that she had been my tramp after -REDACTED- broke up with me.
But I didn’t think of Jenn like that. She was the perfect girl…under different circumstances. Time has a nasty way of playing tricks on you. If only I had dated Jenn with a little less baggage…but it’s useless to think of hypotheticals like that.
On the other hand, we had the rest of the summer before I went away to whatever grad school and before she went to Europe. Something passionate and meaningful could transpire, even if it was only short-lived. Perhaps all the more so because we’d both know it wasn’t going to last.
“Are you going to get something?” she asked.
I figured I might as well go for broke, since I really had nothing to lose. “I think I’d like to get something I’ve already seen too.”
She stiffened. “That’s a good idea.” Her eyelids fluttered and her face flushed before she quickly moved away.
And I could tell then and there that she still liked me. It all made sense. Acting angry in the car. Talking blatantly to Tiny Tim. Ignoring me. Telling me about going to the frat party with Ralph tonight. Her talking about “seeing the same movie” again, because she liked it. Wanting to rent a romantic comedy.
So I decided to ante up one more time, and see what kind of hand Jenn dealt me.
She’d already made it to the checkout line. Ralph was done talking to Tim, had spotted her in line, and was headed her way. I couldn’t wait any longer, so I decided to cut back through Drama to beat Ralph there, so I could make my move.
I mean, obviously, I liked the girl. I lost sight of her behind the Comedy sign, but all I had to do was round a corner to get to her first.
I didn’t know what I was going to say. I’d just wing it like always. Probably go with the old-stand by: fumble my words and play the part of the shy guy. The routine worked fairly well, because I actually was shy.
“What are you in the mood for?” Ralph asked. We skipped the outer wall, which housed all the new releases. They didn’t make them like they used to.
“What’s next on the list?” We’d been going through the AFI Top 100 Movies List, trying to pick out ones neither of us had seen yet. I couldn’t understand why 2001: A Space Odyssey had made the cut, while great films like Big Trouble in Little China had been snubbed. I guess that’s why I’m not a critic. I have good tastes.
We’d watched A Streetcar Named Desire last week, after which I’d considered suicide. And I probably would have done the deed, till I realized I hadn’t seen every movie on the list yet. You gotta have goals.
Ralph had been racking his brain. “I don’t remember what else’s on there. I can’t take anything heavy after last week.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets and rolled his shoulders forward like he always did. He was the only guy I knew who had to force himself to have bad posture.
“I thought he graduated.” I was referring to Timothy, the guy Jenn was talking to. I called him Tiny Tim for several reasons, not the least of which was his five-foot one-inch frame. Jenn and he had started dating a week after we’d had our fling. Even though Jenn and me breaking up had been the best thing for all parties concerned, I still saw Tim as her trade-up and hated him for it. He was also part of the fraternity scene, which I despised: little boys’ clubs that fostered the worst kind of mob mentality. Tim and Jenn had officially dated for a month or so before calling it quits, but I’m pretty sure they had kept the fringe benefits going.
“I thought you graduated,” Ralph came back at me.
“Yeah, but I was an English major that didn’t want to teach. My only option was grad school. He was a business major, so he should be working.”
“I thought you didn’t believe in double standards,” Ralph said.
“Only when it comes to other people.”
“I thought you were over Jenn.” It almost sounded like a question.
We walked down the Drama aisle. Two kids ran past us, one trailing the other and making his hand into a pretend gun. He sputtered, “Pow, pow, pow,” as he went by. I guess kids nowadays aren’t allowed to have toy guns—they might turn out to be ordinary citizens when they grow up.
“I don’t know if I was ever actually into Jenn,” I said.
“How long ago’d you date?” It was strange him asking me that. I mean, he’d been around for it.
“Couple of weeks at the end of March.”
Ralph nodded. “She doesn’t like Tim anymore.” There was something weird about him saying that. If anybody knew what Jenn was thinking, it was me, not him. The only time he hung out with her was when he hung out with me. They were like Elaine and George—no good unless Jerry was around too.
“And how long after her did you date Jenn?” Ralph asked.
Her. She had the distinction of being the only woman to ever break my heart. I don’t say her name, because for some reason I feel like that would cheapen things. It’s like I’m not supposed to talk about her: she’s the secret buried in my dark past. The Ilsa to my Rick.
“Jenn and me dated not long after. That was the problem. I was still out of my mind,” I said. “Weren’t you around for all this?”
He shook his head. “I was with Shell then, oblivious to everything.” Michelle and Ralph had dated for a few months. I’d never liked her, mainly because she was a bitch, didn’t like me, treated him like shit, didn’t like me, wore jeans that tended to show off a thong that didn’t need showing off, was really a bitch, and didn’t like me.
Other than that, did I mention she was a bitch?
She’d broken up with him two months ago, and he was going through what I had faced back in March. We referred to it as running into a buzzsaw.
“Hey, fellas.”
Stevey, one of the store’s friendly employees stood before us, carrying two scores of DVDs in his arms. He had a baby face and a man’s body, like that big motherfucker in the third Mad Max movie who gets capped in the Thunderdome, so he appeared anywhere between fifteen and thirty years old, depending on where you looked at him.
“Hey, Stevey. Didn’t think you were working tonight,” I said, before I realized how pathetic it was I knew his schedule. A sure sign I needed to stop coming to the video store so much. And why the hell did they still call them video stores, anyways?
“They got rid of a couple of people this week, so they needed me.” He scrunched his face up, which pulled his thick-rimmed glasses back up his nose. It was a neat trick. “What are you guys renting?”
“Don’t know,” Ralph said.
“Did you see the sign I put up in the front of the store?” he asked.
I hadn’t, because I’d been too unnerved by the Girl Scouts. “No…”
Stevey put all the DVDs he was holding onto the shelf next to him. He leaned in conspiratorially and said, “I’m not supposed to tell anyone this, but I feel like you guys are part of the family you’re here so much.” I can’t say I was happy to be part of the family. “You guys remember Fred, right? Fred the weird looking dude…Anyway, they fired him for showing up late too many times. So he came in and switched a lot of the New Releases with the pornos. So if you get a new movie, open up the box to make sure the right movie’s in there. We didn’t find out until this afternoon that he’d done it. We’re getting a lot of angry calls.”
“Is that what you’re doing with all those DVDs?” I asked. “Checking them?”
“Yeah. And I better get back to work. It’s a mess.” He gave us a professional nod and moved past us.
“Shit,” Ralph said.
“What?”
“Just made eye contact with Tiny Tim. Now I gotta go say hi.”
“Yeah, you’ve been having that problem all night.”
“Why don’t you cry about it?” Ralph chuckled and moved away.
“Hey, give Tim my worst.”
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