Promote Whatever You Want On My Blog

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dogs and cats, it's that time again! Promote yourself, your best friend, your favorite Olympic ping-pong star who isn't Asian, your business, your local public-access TV station, your crazy new-fangled religion that worships Gore Vidal, your old BetaMax machine, your comic bo--er, graphic novel I mean--your favorite pair of underwear...you get the idea.

We've had some interesting comments in the past. Famed NI crime writer Adrian McKinty once left a comment promoting his brother in the armed services - I'm not sure it has happened yet, but I hear the paperwork is going through. Just kidding. On another occasion, Darkin Inc promoted a full cast audio drama podcast. Last but not least, Don Luis once stopped by to pimp his tattoo inspired clothing line.

Thanks for stopping by.

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The wife and I will be on vacation for a week starting tomorrow. Not sure I'll get online that much while we're away, so apologies if I don't respond to every single promotion.

"I had a rough night, and I hate the (Philadelphia) Eagles, man."

Those of you familiar with the quote above will recognize the slightly altered words of none other than Jeffrey Lebowski, a.k.a. The Dude, from the Coens' masterpiece, The Big Lebowski. It's a great movie that I had the pleasure of seeing on the big screen recently. I've talked about this movie at length (or, ad nauseam) on this blog and on other blogs before, so I'm not here to talk about it more (unless any commenters want to).

What I would like to discuss is how I now hate the Philadelphia Eagles. I've never been much of a football fan - no dig here, it's just not my thing - but, I never minded the Eagles. Matter of fact, I always supported them as my home team and wanted to see them succeed. Coach Andy Reid and quarterback Donovan McNabb seem like good guys all in all.

But I will not watch them play a game this season.

As most of you have probably heard, in a move that surprised a lot of people, the Eagles picked up Michael Vick.

Yes, they hired the same guy that operated an illegal dogfighting operation for SIX YEARS. It wasn't much of a prediction, but as I previously said, "someone is going to pick him up eventually and he'll make more than enough money to forget about his time spent inside." As it turns out, the Eagles of all teams decided to hire him.

I hear a lot of people say, "Everyone needs a second chance." And yes, that's true. Throughout my relatively short life, I myself have needed a lot of second chances. But Vick got off way too easily. If I had been caught running a dogfighting operation, I would have been disbarred and never allowed to practice law again. But not Vick. No. After all, he's an professional athlete. He's somehow not subject to the same rules as the rest of us.

Sure, he had to endure a lot of bad press and a two-year stretch inside, but at the end of the day, he's right back to playing in the NFL and earning more money in a couple of seasons than most will see in a lifetime. And besides, he has an agent, a PR rep, and probably countless other handlers who will help him restore as much of his image as they can.

If you still feel bad for Vick, consider this: he was caught doing this. This didn't come to an end because he turned himself in. Oh no. We can be almost certain that, if he hadn't been found out, the dogfighting would still be going on.

Forgetting for a moment the moral objections to allowing such a person to play for your team, I still wonder why the Eagles did this. Before this move, they were projected to make a run at the Super Bowl. But bringing Vick on board is going to alienate a lot of die-hard fans. Maybe some teammates. And wherever they go, whatever town they play in, this controversy is going to rear its ugly-head. It will follow them everywhere this season. Why would they willingly choose to face such distractions when their team was arguably good enough to make it to the Super Bowl in the first place?

I don't know the answer to that question, but obviously Andy Reid thinks this was a good idea. I have always supported Philadelphia sports, but I will no longer continue to do so with the Eagles. It's really a shame for the other players on the team, who will be forced to deal with this all season long.

The Eyes In The Sky

The National Academy of Sciences released a report on Wednesday that was troubling: apparently, NASA was never given enough money to build the telescopes it needs to complete its absolutely vital mission of locating 90 percent of the potentially deadly rocks traveling through space.

There will come a day when the human race no longer walks the earth, though we should strive to ensure that day remains in the very distant future. This is exactly the sort of mission, despite being very costly, that we shouldn't underbudget. According to the Academy's report, the US government's effort has been "relatively little;" however, what's more startling is the fact that the US is "practically the only government doing anything at all." Our existence is balanced on a knife's edge, as they say, but this mission is one way we can increase our chances of staying on that edge. We need more eyes in the sky.

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It's a good thing Earth isn't the biggest planet in the solar system. That distinction, thankfully, remains Jupiter's, and with significantly more gravity, the gas giant attracts a lot of these dangerous rocks flying through space. Just last month, a comet or an asteroid collided with Jupiter, and scientists estimate the object was the size of several football fields. Because of the collision, there is a new, expanding spot on Jupiter.

Horror Films of the Last 20 Years Have Been Pretty Ho-Hum..

...if you agree with EW's 20 Top Horror Films of the Past 20 Years.

As if you cared in the least, here's my take on EW's list from start to finish.

20. Dead Alive. Never saw it.

19. Darkman. As much as Liam Neeson is the man, I have to say, this is a so-so revenge flick that has faded into utter obscurity. A decent movie, worth a watch, but it won't stay with you and you won't feel the need to see it again when you're done.

18. Event Horizon. Okay, this film is admittedly one of those "love it or hate it" flicks. I happen to love it. It did poorly at the box office, and the critics bashed it upon its release, but it has since grown a cult following. Now, we all know that cults are bad, but when it comes to movies, sometimes they're right. Don't believe me? If it weren't for cults, chances are you would have never heard of The Big Lebowski or Office Space, two incredible movies.

17. The Kingdom. Never saw it.

16. The Descent. This is an excellent, excellent, excellent movie. Neil Marshall, who also directed the great horror flick Dog Soldiers (which should be on this list too), wrote and directed this movie about a team of female spelunkers exploring caves in the Appalachians. Yes, it's a very scary movie, but it's so much more than that, as (oh my god) there is character development and a very interesting exploration of insanity. Make sure to check out the UK ending and compare it to the US ending. See which you like better.

15. Shaun of the Dead. Thank God for this movie, which brought some respectability back to the zombie genre (as did the remake of Dawn of the Dead). This one is both a spoof and an homage to the zombie movie, and it's also a clever rom-com, so it has something for everybody. Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright teamed up again to make Hot Fuzz, the same concept applied to action movies, and it worked beautifully. I hear they're going to make a third movie in the sci-fi genre, to complete what could be one of the best trilogies ever made.

14. Hostel 2. Didn't see it. Hostel was basically just torture porn, and I heard this was more of the same.

13. Misery. Good flick.

12. From Hell. Didn't see it.

11. Planet Terror. To say this was the better film of the Grindhouse experience really isn't saying much. There were a couple of laughs, one or two okay scares, but overall, this one was disappointing.

10. Ringu. I only saw the American remake - which I loved - of this flick starring Naomi Watts, so I can only assume its source material was just as good and probably better.

9. Alien 3. Okay. It pains me to say this, because David Fincher is one of my favorite directors working today (Seven, Zodiac, Fight Club, Benjamin Button), but Alien 3 was a huge letdown after the terrifying brilliance of Alien and the sheer visceral awesomeness that was Aliens. Alien 3 was basically a rehash of the first movie, and way, way, WAY too dark. If you haven't seen it, I won't spoil you with the particulars, but I will metaphorize the first ten minutes of the movie - Imagine you've just been through another chemotherapy treatment. On your way to your car, leaving the hospital, you trip on a crack in the sidewalk, breaking your leg. As you look up, you see a random stranger hovering over you. You think this stranger is going to help you up, but no, HE'S JUST THERE TO KICK YOU IN THE NARDS and steal your money. Yes, my friends, that is what the first ten minutes of Alien 3 feel like. The universe is a terrible, terrible place that will kick you every way it can while you're down. (In all fairness to Fincher, I've heard there was a lot of studio interference, so I don't know who's to blame.)

8. Drag Me To Hell. I've heard good things but haven't seen it.

7. The Sixth Sense. Great movie with great acting and a great twist. It's a shame Shyamalan hasn't gotten better than this, but that's like complaining that Orson Welles's first movie was Citizen Kane. Cinema is better with these movies than without them.

6. What Lies Beneath. Ehhhh. An okay movie, directed by Robert Zemeckis of Back to the Future fame.

5. 28 Weeks Later. Really? This movie made the list, but 28 Days Later, which is vastly superior in just about every way, didn't? There were some major internal logic problems with this film that I couldn't get over, the biggest one being that the zombies were suddenly both intelligent and could hold grudges against certain individuals. No such thing existed in the universe of 28 Days Later.

4. Scream. Okay, this is another great movie. It works on so many different levels: as meta horror, as horror, as comedy, and as a mystery. Very clever, very funny, and very scary.

3. The Blair Witch Project. I fell prey to this movie's clever viral marketing strategy and went in thinking it had been edited from real footage. Yes, I was actually that stupid, but it worked.

2. The Silence of the Lambs. A dark horse that won big at the Oscars. Good flick, but having seen it a couple of times, I don't think I'll ever need to see it again.

1. Audition. Haven't seen it.

So there you have it. Aside from The Silence of the Lambs and The Sixth Sense, none of these movies were nominated by the Academy in any major categories. Now, the Academy doesn't always get it right, and usually doesn't (Gran Torino, anyone?), but the lack of nominations is pretty telling.

Oh, and time for a shameless plug. My better half wrote a post about how Bill & Ted should have visited libraries on their excellent adventure.

Come back in a few days for my Top 5 Sodas of All Time List. You think I'm kidding...

RIP John Hughes

Writer/director John Hughes passed away this morning at the young age of 59. Over the years, Hughes brought us many great films and had the golden touch between the years of 1984 and 1990. During that time, he wrote and/or directed the following: Sixteen Candles; The Breakfast Club; European Vacation; Pretty in Pink; Weird Science; Ferris Bueller's Day Off; Planes, Trains & Automobiles; Uncle Buck; Christmas Vacation; and Home Alone.

After 1991's Curly Sue, Hughes altogether stopped directing pictures, though he continued to write and produce films that did not ever reach the same level of quality as those listed above.

I think the gross-out comedies with a heart of the last ten years (American Pie, Superbad,etc.) really owe something to Hughes. He created the formula with Sixteen Candles, and for my money, the prototype remains the best example of this subgenre. I have fond memories of this movie, due in no small part to the fact that I was able to see it at a young age because back then the MPAA didn't have a stick up its a-- and gave it a rating of PG, despite the fact there was full front nudity, lots of innuendo, curse words, and adult humor. Ah the good old days.

Sixteen Candles is my favorite Hughes's movie, but Ferris Bueller's Day Off is a very close second. Yes, his comedies are sometimes goofy, but they were always bolstered by a good story with a real plot. They didn't simply move from one comedic set piece to the next. And though I wouldn't attend St. Joe's Prep until 1993, I grew up on these high school 80s flicks and they really informed my teenage years.

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Hughes became something of a recluse which only added to his mystique and intrigued his loyal fanbase. According to wiki, he "retired from the public eye and moved to Wisconsin" in 1994, in his later years becoming a farmer. Interestingly, he began penning screenplays under the pseudonym "Edmond Dantes," which we all know was the Count of Monte Cristo's real name. Dumas's best story has a lot going for it, including its exploration of the theme of masks we wear as human beings, both literal and metaphorical. It's quite telling that Hughes would select the name Edmond Dantes to serve as his mask when writing.

RIP John Hughes. You will be missed.

Time Capsule Circa June 1997

Recently, I took a trip down memory lane when I flipped through my high school yearbook from the year of my graduation, 1997. I won't bore you with all the after school special-like tales of my years in high school, i.e. how I was a nerd who was decent at sports and thus didn't fit in with either crowd, how shy I was around the fairer sex, how I was usually the sober guy at all the parties, etc.

What I will do is share with you some of the better messages my classmates inscribed for all of posterity in the yearbook. As discretion is the better part of valor, I have decided to keep these anonymous. All I can say is this: my friends, though often offensive, were pretty damned funny:

-Pass the salt someday. You, Waldo, and me are going to open that Hotel in California...(Note: I was a huge fan of The Eagles, the band, in high school.)

-O'Dork, I really don't like you. Kiss my a--.

-I didn't really see you that much that summer but I wouldn't have been much fun any way because that's when I found out that those AIDS ribbons people wore just were not working.

-But we gotta keep in touch, cause I really wanna see XXXX turn into a crazy alcoholic who doesn't care about grades.

-Yo. What's up. You are a piece of s---. But a good piece of s---.

-P.S. I can kick your a--, always remember that.

-Remember the basement, the undeniable power of Sprite to make everything better, and my infinite number of one week romances.

-Alright dude, here it is...you are the man, plain and simple.

-I'll miss you and your sexy ways. (Note: St. Joseph's Prep was an all-boys school.)

-Always remember, it's okay to play with dolls.

-Thank you for supplying me with gas money throughout the year. Anyway, the Eagles suck, except for Hotel California.

-Copying Latin homework from you was always a highlight in my lunch period.

-I am a slob and no one is going to want to room with me in college.

Thanks for the memories and the laughs, fellas.

Blogs I Follow: Law Librarian To Be

Jenna, my long-suffering wife, has started her own blog, Law Librarian To Be. Over the past two years, Jenna has been working toward earning her Masters of Library Science (MLS). I don't know how she manages a graduate program in addition to the many, many hours she puts in at the office, but somehow she does and she does it very well. (I won't embarrass her by telling you her GPA.)

But on to her blog. She's required to maintain it for one of her classes, which isn't surprising, especially considering the subject of that class and her first post, which I won't spoil for you here.

Van Damme Can Act!!!

I caught one of the most original films I've seen in a long while last week on Netflix: JCVD. Directed by French-Algerian Mabrouk El Mechri, this flick is a hybrid of French New Wave cinema, American action flicks, and Dog Day Afternoon. No really, it is. I'm not making this up.

JCVD is about the "Muscles from Brussels," Jean-Claude Van Damme, and the film gets very meta. Van Damme plays himself, and throughout the story his "character" is forced to confront a lot of personal issues that just so happen to reflect real life issues he's faced over the years. Along the way, he becomes ensnared in a hostage situation in a post office and through an unfortunate confluence of events, the police come to believe he is the hostage-taker. The film is alternatively funny, suspenseful, and surprisingly moving at times.

I'll be the first to admit that I always ridiculed Van Damme for his acting, going all the way back to Bloodsport. But he absolutely shines in this. Many will complain that he's just playing himself, but I don't think that's an easy thing to do. In a way, it requires you still to get into character, but it's a character you have a very subjective, and therefore skewed, view of.

Anyways back to Van Damme's acting. No spoilers here, but there is a five minute sequence in the film where he's speaking in French directly to the camera, laying his soul bare, and it really blew me away. With the omniscience of hindsight, I wish they'd just done all his films in French. It frees him up to truly emote, and it gives him a chance to show off his acting chops, which are startlingly good.

The film currently enjoys an 85% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes (no small feat), and an article in TIME Magazine went as far to say that "He (Van Damme) deserves not a black belt, but an Oscar."

It's a good flick that manages to succeed on many levels. I especially loved the opening scene, one long continuous take of an action sequence that leaves our hero breathless and complaining to the director about his age and not being able to do that kind of thing anymore.

They Make People Get A License To Drive A Car...

...but they can't make you get a license to become a parent.

No, this picture isn't a still capture from Ridley Scott's Alien. (Besides, we all know if I was going to post a picture from that franchise, it'd be from Cameron's Aliens, which is the better film.)

This is, in fact, a picture from an ultrasound performed on the wife last month. Jenna, I'm proud and happy to say, is currently in the eye of the storm, her second trimester, and her expected due date is none other than New Year's Eve.

December 31st might sound like a great birthday, but I feel bad for the kid. Why? Well, my birthday is January 3rd, and every year I was constantly barraged by the "double-gift," i.e. a gift that doubled as my Christmas and birthday presents.

But seriously, we're both ecstatic, and I still haven't quite wrapped my brain around the sheer life-changing enormity of this event.

Promote Whatever You Want On My Blog

Ladies and gents, it's that time of the month again. The blog has been getting a decent amount of traffic, especially considering I do next to nothing to actually promote it. So, by leaving a comment below, you have a good shot at reaching a new audience.

A brief reminder about the rules:

1) Promote anything you want so long as you
2) Don't promote anything about or for me.

Have at it. I'll leave this post up for a few days, and as always, thanks for stopping by.

Please, No More New Vampire Stories For At Least Two Days

What is it with our cultural obsession with vampires? For real. Every other book, movie, or TV show I come across is offering us a new take on the story of the vampire.

Please stop. It's been done to death, no pun intended. It's even risen from the dead several times, pun intended. It's even...you get the idea.

As one of my favorite professors, Dr. Daniel Robinson of Widener University, pointed out in class, there is something undeniably sexual about the vampire story. Bram Stoker's seminal work Dracula was written in an age where sex was not openly discussed, thus many writers tackled the subject indirectly, i.e. a vampire wantonly sticks its fangs in damsels in distress, penetrating them, and thus infecting them. Dracula is also interesting for its social commentary - the Old World of Europe is being destroyed by one of its own nobles, the eponymous count, and can't save itself (via Van Helsing) without the assistance of the New World/America (represented by the character Quincy Morris).

But aside from Stoker's novel, as a creature of fantasy, the vampire has enjoyed a great run. Anne Rice has apparently sold over 100 million books (yes, I know not all of them are about vampires). Some argue that the vampire even gave birth to the zombie, via Richard Matheson's excellent story, I Am Legend, which in turn informed George A. Romero when he was making Night of the Living Dead.

According to wiki, "Dracula is a major character in more movies than any other but Sherlock Holmes." Maybe one day someone will wise up and reveal that Holmes is actually a vampire. That would explain the pale complexion, odd hours he keeps, and strange mannerisms.

I'm not saying all this vampire material is bad, just that after awhile it gets to be too much. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its spinoff Angel...Blades 1, 2, and 3...Underworld...then the TV shows Blood Ties, and True Blood...not to mention any one of numerous fiction titles that have gone on sale in the last few years, including the wildly popular Twilight series.

As the wiki page postulates, the vampire intrigues us because we are fascinated by sex and our own mortality.

Seriously, it's time to think up a new creature, people. After all, writers are supposed to be creative - surely it can't be that hard to concoct something. Anything other than just another blood sucking creature that sleeps by day and preys at night.

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As an aside, Dr. Robinson is the front man/lead singer for the great indie rock band Milton and the Devils Party out of Philadelphia. MATDP combines pop riffs with literary lyrics. Check them out if you get a chance.

A Loss and A Victory

Yesterday, Tom Watson broke a lot of hearts when he couldn't get up and down on the 72nd hole at the Open Championship and thereafter went on to lose a four-hole playoff to fellow Yank, Stewart Cink. If Watson had won a major at age 59, it would have been the single greatest victory in the history of the sport. But alas, as Tom himself said in the press room after the tournament, "It would have been a helluva story. But it was not meant to be."

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But let's not dwell on that loss; rather, let's focus on a glorious victory that occurred this weekend instead: a good friend (who we'll call "Kevin") and I took on and defeated another good friend (who we'll call "Mark") and another friend who I'll call "Nate" in a rousing game of Baseball.

No, not the actual sport of baseball that involves bats, gloves, balls, uniforms that look suspiciously like tights, and lots of tobacco chew.

I'm talking about the drinking game. Baseball is a combination of the more popular beer pong and flip cup. It's a brutal game that rarely advances beyond a few innings because of the sheer amount of alcohol that can be consumed rather quickly. Here's the skinny:

-Four cups are set up in a straight line on both sides of the table. They each represent a base, so if you make it into the nearest cup, you've hit a single. The opposing team would then be required to drink that first cup and refill it. If you make it into the third cup, you've hit a triple, and the opposing team must drink and refill the first, second, and third cups. So if you have a good inning at bat, the other team has to drink a lot.

-If you throw and miss the cups on the other side entirely, that's an out. If you throw and hit the rim of a cup but don't actually make a shot, that's just a strike.

-If you have a man on first or second base, you can attempt to steal. This is where the flip cup part of the game comes into play. To steal, you play a game of one cup flip cup against your opposing team. If you win, you have stolen a base. If you do not win, the other team has picked you off/thrown you out. You cannot steal home base.

-Other than that, it's just like baseball. You get three outs an inning, and you're technically supposed to play nine innings, though that rarely happens.

As the wiki page notes, baseball requires the following skills: aiming, taunting, and alcohol tolerance. Our game unbelievably made it through nine innings, and I'm still not sure how we managed it. "Mark" and "Nate" got off to an early lead, and "Kevin" and myself weren't sure we could continue after the fourth inning. But "Kevin" turned it around for us, at one point hitting six triples in a row over the course of two innings. For my part, I batted so-so but really shined when it came to flip cup.

Dad would be proud.

If you are considering giving this game a try, I'd recommend the following. Use a light beer. Don't be afraid to have more than two players on a team. And, for the love of god, don't shortchange the seventh inning stretch.

How Dare You Ian Poulter!!!

English golfer Ian Poulter, when interviewed this week about the upcoming Open Championship at Turnberry, referred to the tournament as the "British Open," which is a big no-no.

A bit of background for you non-golfers. The Open Championship, a.k.a. the British Open, is the oldest major tournament in golf, having first been played in 1860. In other words, it was well-established as an important "open" tournament long before the US Open came into existence.

In the UK, and basically everywhere except the United States, for this very reason the tournament is known and referred to as the Open Championship. In the US, golfers tend to call it the British Open, which started off as a harmless way to differentiate it from the US Open.

It seems acceptable for US golfers to do this, though in the past it was frowned upon. But Poulter, born in Hitchin, a town in Hertfordshire, England, ruffled a lot of feathers for referring to the tournament as the British Open, not just once, but five times during an interview. He was later called out on it by another reporter, and he apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.

I'm not sure exactly where I stand on this. Usually, I tend to respect tradition, and I know I'd be annoyed if I held a tournament and people didn't call it by its proper name. But on the other hand, some of this smacks of elitism, i.e. the Open Championship has been around longer, is a more important tournament, and should be held in higher regard than the US Open.

Either way, I'll be tuning in this week to see if Paddy Harrington can do the unthinkable and win his third straight Brit--er, Open Championship.

Optimus Prime Said, "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings."

If you're very easily bothered by animal cruelty (like I am), STOP reading this post right now. Seek respite from your workday elsewhere...

David Santuomo is a no good son-of-a-bitch that's getting off way too easily. The man and his wife were about to go on vacation and apparently didn't want to spend the money boarding their two mixed breed dogs, Sloopy and Skeeter. So what did he do?

No, he didn't leave them with a friend or family member. No, he couldn't even ask a friend or family member to come over, feed them, and let them out. Oh no, that would have been too much to ask.

Instead, he tied the two dogs to a pipe in his basement, manufactured a homemade silencer using a two-liter plastic bottle, attached said silencer to the end of his rifle, and shot and killed both dogs.

One dog was shot SIX TIMES. Either this guy is a poor marksman, or he was enjoying this.

He then disposed of the remains in a dumpster.

According to this blog post, what's even more outrageous is the fact that two neighbors VOLUNTEERED TO WATCH THE DOGS WHILE THEY WERE AWAY.

As part of a plea deal, this guy was sentenced to 90 days in jail to be served over the course of two years, some fines, and some community service. Bastard got off easy, if you ask me.

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Speaking of people who got off easy, Michael Vick recently got out of prison. I know, I know, the guy served two years and most think his football career is ruined (it's not, someone is going to pick him up eventually and he'll make more than enough money to forget about his time spent inside), so many believe he's paid his debt to society. I think a more apt sentence would have been for him to serve six years, which is exactly how long he ran the illegal dogfighting operation. Yep, that's right. SIX YEARS.

To think of the pointless suffering all those dogs had to endure, so Vick and co. had something to gamble on is just sickening. Dogs, as we all know, are sentient beings, capable of experiencing pleasure and pain. Any dog owner will tell you they're capable of experiencing sensations more complex than just pleasure and pain too, and anyone capable of purposely putting dogs through that much suffering is morally reprehensible.

As Optimus Prime explained in Transformers, "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings." Crap movie, but decent quote.

Sometimes, Chain E-Mails Are Funny

I got this one today and had to pass it along. If you're a child of the 80s like me, you'll think this is pretty good:

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....uphill... barefoot...blah, blah, blah...

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice how easy the youth of today have things--

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, using a pen.

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take a week to get there!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself.

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone.

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent. You had no idea. You had to pick it up and take your chances.

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600. With games like Space Invaders and Asteroids. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination. And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like life.

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing. You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel because there were no remotes.

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards.

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove!

You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!